Playoff Prognostications — 2009 edition

For the record, here is my prediction for playoff performance in this most coveted of seasons.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

First Round

(1) Boston Bruins v. (8) Montreal Canadiens
In 2002, the eighth-seeded Habs upset the top-ranked B’s in a stunning first-round match-up. The difference? In 2002, the Bears were led by Joe Thornton. In 2009, you have Zdeno Chara and his mighty stick.

Money quote: “No contest.”

Bruins in 5.

(2) Washington Capitals v. (7) New York Rangers

This might be more difficult than you might expect. The Blueshirts have a slight edge in goaltending, but not enough to make up the difference. The Capitals overwhelm with firepower but are notoriously weak on defense. The Rangers are the complete opposite. Unfortunately for them, even though defense wins championships, it doesn’t always get you past the first round.

Money quote: “If you’re not sick of Ovechkin now, just wait a couple of weeks.”

Caps in 6.

(3) New Jersey Devils v. (6) Carolina Hurricanes

Two teams to watch, this is going to be one fantastic hockey series. True, it will be boring, the teams have virtually no interest to others across the league, and we’ll probably be lucky to catch the highlights on SportsCentre, let alone watch any games themselves. Both both teams have their fair share of Stanley Cup rings, they both boast Stanley Cup-winning goaltenders, and both have enough depth and balance to go all the way. One of them will represent the East in the Stanley Cup finals.

Money quote: “Who cares? Lord Stanley, that’s who.”

Canes in 7.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins v. (5) Philadelphia Flyers

A re-match from last year’s Eastern conference final, this one will be bloody. Pittsburgh has enjoyed a revitalization of sorts in the past month, but only solidified their playoff position on the very last day of the season. Meanwhile, Philly hasn’t exactly rocketed up the charts this season, but Simon Gagne is back with a vengeance. Keep in mind that one of these teams is better than they were a year ago, and that team isn’t based in western Pennsylvania.

Money quote: “Sid who?”

Flyers in 6.

Second Round

(1) Boston Bruins v. (6) Carolina Hurricanes

Along with New Jersey, the Canes are the only team capable of knocking off this supposed juggernaut. Cam Ward will outplay Tim Thomas, who will spasm himself right out of Beantown before series end, and Rod “The Bod” Brind’Amour — who owns both the best name and the best nickname in the NHL — will smother Marc Savard like a fat man smothers nutella on toast. It’ll be fun to watch.

Money quote: “Wha’ happened?”

Canes in 7.

(2) Washington Capitals v. (5) Philadelphia Flyers

Good, fast, high-scoring series. Philly will put up a good fight, but coach John Stevens will be out-coached by Bruce Boudreau, and that will be the difference.

Money quote: “If you weren’t sick of Ovechkin in the first round, you will be after the second.”

Caps in 6.

Third Round

(2) Washington Capitals v. (6) Carolina Hurricanes

Yes, the incredible has happened — two Southeast division teams will take it down the wire in the conference final. Unfortunately for the Caps, they will meet the one team in said division that can kick them across the ice three ways from sideways. True, the vaunted Washington offense will score their fair share of goals, but Jose Theodore will finally succumb to the realization that he sucks like a Dyson DC07 upright Cyclonic vacuum and that he would be doing us all a favour if he would simply quit hockey, move to Russia, and never show his face in the light of free peoples everywhere again.

Money quote: “Okay, seriously. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you sick of Ovechkin?”

Canes in 5.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

First Round

(1) San Jose Sharks v. (8) Anaheim Ducks

Anaheim will be a much better team in the playoffs than they were in the regular season. The Sharks won’t.

Money quote: “What has Joe Thornton ever won?”

Ducks in a bloody 7.

(2) Detroit Red Wings v. (7) Columbus Blue Jackets

Swami Johnny sez, “A hot young goaltender, an experienced playoff team, and having nothing to lose — What are three attributes not shared by either team in this series?” True, that wasn’t funny, or even remotely interesting, but see what you can do without the comedy writing team of The Tonight Show in the ’80s.

Money quote: “Too tough to call”

BJs in 7.

(3) Vancouver Canucks v. (6) St. Louis Blues

The two hottest teams in the NHL, if not the most wretchedly boring. As good as Vancouver was, St Louis seems to have more balance, not to mention loads of more luck and swagger. The pressure’s on V-City, so I’m going with the looser team.

Money quote: “St Louis is the silver lining on the Flames dash to the regular season finish line.”

Blues in 6.

(4) Chicago Blackhawks v. (5) Calgary Flames

Oh. My. God. The Hawks have it all — youth, energy, health, scoring, balance, and a goaltender who has made a career out of beating a single team, which just happens to be his current opponent. The Flames have … um, well, a recovering Rene Bourque? That said, Kiprusoff has the ability to beat any team almost single-handedly, and the present squad in front of him is as good as any iced in the past decade or more. Considering that the genius sports commentators all across this great dominion have placed the Flames’ odds at winning at roughly three-billion-seven-hundred-million-and-forty-two-to-one, there’s money to be made.

Money quote: “I’ll be damned if the first time I don’t bet on the Flames since 2004s turns out to be their first upset since that time.”

Flames in 7.

Second Round

(4) Calgary Flames v. (8) Anaheim Ducks

The bane of Calgary’s playoff existence, the Ducks can walk all over Calgary on any given night. Then again, if Kipper can stonewall the high-scoring Hawks, he will do no worse against the one-note Quackers, right?

Right?

Money quote: “This series will be as close as Chris Pronger’s incisors.”

Flames in 5.

(6) St Louis Blues v. (7) Columbus Blue Jackets

Um, I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have called either one of these teams to win in the first place. The Battle of the Masons is as probable as my own shot to make it with Megan Fox, but that doesn’t mean that the possibilty doesn’t exist. Or does it?

Money quote: “This will be fun to watch. I won’t watch it, but it would be fun if I did.”

Blues in 7.

Third Round

(5) Calgary Flames v. (6) St Louis Blues

The luck runs out for the boys from Cowtown as St Louis avenges the tightly-fought 1988 conference final battle that featured their current vice-president for hockey operations playing for their rival. And if you believe that, then you’ll probably have bet your house that this improbable conference final will even occur.

Money quote: “Phaneuf pulls a Steve Smith and forever lives in infamy.”

Blues in 7.

STANLEY CUP FINAL

(6) Carolina Hurricanes v. (6) St Louis Blues

Jeezuz, if this happens, I’d better buy a lottery ticket.

Money quote: “Wow. Just, wow.”

Canes win their second in four seasons.

Conn Smythe Trophy: Rod Brind ‘Amour.
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… and then I wake up.