Do you really need an excuse?

Researchers have now ascertained 237 reasons to have sex..

What’s yours?

Arboramory: The Natural Love

Even in this fascist state in which we inhabit, good activists have been able to beautify society with such progressive measures as institutionalizing gay marriage, mandating low-flow shower heads, and protecting adolescent backsides from being swatted by their violating peers. We have come a long way from the dark ages of yesteryear, in the unenlightened days when womyn and children were dominated by a racist and misogynist paternalism, and today we have much to celebrate.

However, there is one sector of society which continues to remain suppressed by the white, xenophobic cretins who lurk in the halls of our nation’s power: Arboramorists, or “tree lovers”, have long been ostracized and condemned by our “elites” as being “crude”, “sick” or “deranged”. These accusations are completely baseless and serve no purpose outside of propagating the lies of the Nazi regime which illegally occupies the White House, taken through a neo-conserative coup in 2000 from the benign, healing hands of the Reverend Al Gore.

Aboramory is essentially an intimate extra-kingdomian relationship between a human and a tree. The variety of trees who choose to participate in this fashion is as vast as the number of practising arboramorists out there, but many North Americans prefer either flowering or fruit-producing rosaceae family, such as apple or cherrywood, or any maple species, as the latter often produce copious amounts of sweet smelling sap. Large oak trees are also quite popular, with their many knots and twists, while most practitioners tend to stay away from the conifers (giant sequoias are the exception to this rule). Aficionados of desert saguaro tend to be attracted more for the sado-mascochist opportunities and might not be considered true arboramorists, though this debate has not been settled.

When an arboramorist feels an extra-kingdomian attraction to a fellow eukaryote, she or he would indicate their interest either through direct touch or else through an earth-melody sung in tree language (the member of the kingdom animalia always initiates courtship to the plantae). If the reaction is positve, the arboramorist procedes to make love to the tree, generally through the insertion of a protuberance through an orifice which is either given or received. While human males can climax only once, due to an infestation of the noxious substance testosterone coursing through their inferior bodies, and while womyn can acheive orgasm several times over the course of a few hours, a tree, if properly pleasured, can produce their love juice continually for years on end. This may result in a tantric passion session which can fuel the desire of several consecutive generations of arboramorists.

Arboramory has been a natural inclination of the human animal long before the evils of the military-industrial complex spewed its heinous filth over the womb of Gaia. Trees, eternal, majestic, pure in thought and action, had lived faithfully and peacefully until the wretched species Homo sapiens dragged its lowly carcass out of the pristine African savannah so many eons ago. Soon, however, our ancestors discovered arboramory to be a potent healer of damage to the earthly spirit brought about by such soul-draining activities as war and the use of fire to cook meat.

Civilizations have for centuries marvelled at the wonderous beauty and sensuality of trees and set to record their observations in the form of myths and legend. The World Tree is perhaps the most vivid example of this, in which the heavens are supported by the branches while the tap root represents Gaia (or “the earth”, to the uninitiated). It is one of the earliest representations of Gaia as a life-giving organism, a simplistic analogy, of course, to what we all now recognize as being the living, breathing Gaia upon whom human beings act as parasites to this day.

Even the Old Testament, revered by such intolerant, imbicilic fascists as Jews and Christians, gives mention to the sublime sensuality of trees in the Book of Genesis:

And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

You see, even in this primitive myth, the tree grows out of the ground (a.k.a. Gaia), therefore is inherently better than you or I. It is also a source of knowledge, life and beauty. It is with this understanding that arboramorists derive their natural, healthy yearnings.

Detractors to this beautiful practice often possess wild misunderstandings of the intricacies of the art of making love to a tree. They believe that it is nothing more than heartily odored nature-lovers—”stinky tree-hugging hippies” in their vernacular—who simply eat magic mushrooms (an all-natual enhancement of a person’s psyche) and then attempt to fill any wooden orifice they come across with their person, regardless of whether it is living or not. Unfortunately, this is an on-going misconception propogated by the Bilderberg-controlled media and oil companies both, and often results in unfounded accusations of arboramorists being mislabled as necroligneophiliacs.

The result of this terrible denunication of this ultimate form of Gaia-love is an oppressed underclass who are forced to live their lives in shadow, treading our forests and urban parks for an enounter with a potential lover, remaining as outsiders to the cruel and deluded masses. It is up to us to spread the word that arboramorists need not fear their fellow person, that they ought to feel no shame as to their loving and nurturing actions, and that the act of arboramory ought to be emulated at every instant and urge.

Make love, not wood, dear friend.

Ingmar Bergman, RIP

(STOCKHOLM, Sweden) — Swedish director Ingmar Bergman, an iconoclastic filmmaker widely regarded as one of the great masters of modern cinema, died Monday, the president of his foundation said. He was 89.

I think I’m going to rent Wild Strawberries tonight.

HB 2 my BT

I’d like to throw a warm Happy Birthday greeting to my Better Third.

You’re my best friend, baby, and my favorite person in the world. I love ya.

QotD

In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.

- Mark Twain

I think we can safely add the climate change “debate” to religion and politics.

The Unipolar World

People who believe greater equality among nations would be preferable to the present American predominance often succumb to a basic logical fallacy. They believe the order the world enjoys today exists independently of American power. They imagine that in a world where American power was diminished, the aspects of international order that they like would remain in place. But that ’s not the way it works. International order does not rest on ideas and institutions. It is shaped by configurations of power. The international order we know today reflects the distribution of power in the world since World War ii, and especially since the end of the Cold War. A different configuration of power, a multipolar world in which the poles were Russia, China, the United States, India, and Europe, would produce its own kind of order, with different rules and norms reflecting the interests of the powerful states that would have a hand in shaping it. Would that international order be an improvement? Perhaps for Beijing and Moscow it would. But it is doubtful that it would suit the tastes of enlightenment liberals in the United States and Europe.

An intriguing read by Robert Kagan, published through the Hoover Institution.

I guess we’ve forgotten

I got this from the head of our HR department this morning:

Hello everyone –

As part of our yearly planning process [...] we have been reviewing the Christmas schedule and considering ways to make it more enjoyable for everyone and to allow maximum time with friends and family. After much consideration and consultation, given the Remembrance Day statutory holiday falls on a weekend in November, we had the option to provide a day off in lieu of the holiday following that weekend, or we could substitute the day off for a different time. We have elected to move this day into December, therefore allowing two full days off work over Christmas; December 24 and December 31. Our past practice has been to let staff leave early on December 24 and 31, so now we’ll provide the entire days off on the 24th and 31st.

We hope that moving the Remembrance Day holiday into December helps you enjoy even more time away with your family over the Christmas holidays.

Sincerely,

[...]

I understand the motive behind this, especially being someone who has to travel out-of-province every Christmas, and more especially so now that I have two families with whom to visit. However, I have a problem with using a day set aside to remember the tremendous sacrifice made by our men and women in uniform on our behalf over the years as nothing more than an excuse to get away from the office.

It is true that many people in this age regard November 11 as a given, as a way to break up the cold winter months between Thanksgiving and the holiday season. To many, it is one notch below Labour Day, another statuatory holiday whose origins we have (thankfully) forgotten but whose prominence is linked to that of one last long weekend before school is back in session.

I also understand that when citizens are given time away from work during the middle of the week to pay tribute to our fallen heroes, most people would never give an hour or two to attend the ceremonies in their respective communities anyway, whether it be attendence at their local cenotaph or a memorial service, or even simply dropping off their poppies at the nearest military memorial, and that will not change any time soon. In this circumstance, when November 11 falls on a weekend, perhaps the majority of people wouldn’t take advantage of the extra day to visit a war museum or stop by a Legion to hear the veterans’ stories, and instead use their time to get out of town. Maybe, to them, an extra day off is simply an extra day off, and that’s that.

That said, this still doesn’t mean that my good employer, who was thoughtful enough to allow me lieu time during the Christmas holidays, should not at least send a touching message on November 9th — the Friday before — as a reminder that we ought to pay our respects in our own way that following Sunday.

Simply put, November 11 is not our day off; the day belongs to our nation’s veterans. It is a shame that we have forgotten this.

Too bad, so sad

LONDON (Reuters) – A man serving 30 years in jail for planning “dirty bomb” attacks in Britain and plotting to blow up U.S. financial institutions has been scarred for life after an attack in prison, his lawyer said on Monday.

Dhiren Barot, 35, considered by British and U.S. officials to be one of al Qaeda’s most senior operatives in Europe after admitting conspiracy to murder last year, suffered a “horrific assault” last Friday, according to his lawyer Muddassar Arani.

She said a prisoner at the maximum security Frankland Prison in Durham had thrown boiling water on Barot’s back which had led to a “physical punch up”. Later while attending to his burns, another inmate poured boiling oil over his head.

“Eesa (Dhiren) Barot has suffered various burns to his hands, forehead, head, neck and back. Eesa Barot as a result of the boiling oil having been poured over him has lost all of his hair,” Arani said in a statement.

“Barot is suffering from extensive pain and has been scarred for the rest of his life.”

Irony of ironies, his outer features now match his inner beauty.

A guy’s got to have screwed up somewhere to make even convicted federal felons take an special interest in him, and Barot’s no exception. Among other neat-o hobbies and occupations, Barot has plotted to blow up the New York Stock Exchange, the IMF and the World Bank. as well as working toward blowing up limos packed with explosives in underground parking lots. And did we already mention that he’s also a senior member of al-Qaeda?

His lawyer, of course, is outraged at such an incident:

Arani said the attack on Barot raised fears that Muslim prisoners would be targeted in jail and accused the prison authorities of not doing enough to protect them.

“We are not asking for preferential treatment for Muslim prisoners — what we are requesting is that Muslim prisoners should be afforded the same protection as other prisoners,” she said.

Fair enough. What I am requesting is that we in the general, “non-bank-blowing-up” demographic, are afforded the same protection from scumbag Muslim terrorists as scumbag Muslim terrorists are afforded from fellow social deviants themselves.

Sound like a deal?

Sandy for Mayor

They got his profession wrong but they got his issues right. Fellow geophysicist Sandy Jenkins is putting his hat in the ring and challenging incumbent Mayor Dave Bronconnier in the municipal election this fall.

Jenkins is a soft-spoken man who, unlike Mayor Bronco, is representative of much of what drives the Calgary economy — the oil-patch consultant. As well, like most professionals in the industry, he’s an outsider, originating from Winnipeg before heading west to make his fortune.

He is running mainly because he’s angry at the direction the city is going in terms of transportation infrastructure, as well as at the lack of opposition at the municipal level. His candidacy is a long-shot, especially when you consider the million-dollar war chest accumulated by Bronco, but he does have a few decent ideas and hopes to give Calgarians a viable choice in October.

That alone merits attention. Stay tuned at Bumf for more.

The world ought to be flat

Daniel J Mitchell has a great piece on the merits of a national flat tax as well as the looming threat of international tax harmonization by the OECD.

(Many thanks, A&L Daily)